Tuesday, February 7, 2017

The Last One

I haven't gotten an email from Elder Jayden yet this week.
None of the Colombia moms have yet- we all assume it is due to transfers.
I am grateful for technology this way, the support I have had from other missionary moms has been indescribable.
It is a club of strong and wonderful women- who feel like they haven't done enough for their child, who rejoice in the success of other missionaries, grow to love companions they will never meet, and cry at the drop of a hat- for joy and sorrow. Sometimes both simultaneously.
As I have walked this path as a missionary mom, I have had many missionary moms reach out to me and walk beside me for a time.
I know that when things were hard, there were footsteps before me.
I hope now, drawing to the end of this experience I have earned the empathy to make a difference to new missionary mamas, and I hope that I have left good footprints.
It's hard, you guys. The whole two years (18 months) is hard.
I thought this last part would be nothing but explosive happiness, so it caught me off-guard at how emotional the homecoming is.
I sat on my couch Sunday night to type my e-mail to my boy in Colombia.
I didn't have much to say, and it felt strange to know that I would just be seeing him soon.
"I painted the bathroom!" (delete, he will just see it)
"We got new snow." (delete)
"When are the next transfers?" (delete)
I tried to find the right balance of not being overly excited about his imminent return, and trying to focus on the work he is still doing his last week.

Then the weirdest thing happened. I went to hit "send" and I couldn't bring myself to do it. I realized then that this was my last email to him. The last one.
I didn't want this 3,000-miles-away-sweet-relationship with my boy to end.
I sat on the couch and had myself a mini breakdown for a few minutes.
Moms feel for their kids.
We are happy when they are happy, and sad when they are sad.
Part of my heart is pained with sadness for Elder Jayden leaving the people he has grown to love so much.
The other part is nervous to meet him again. Anxious for him to begin a life as an adult.
Yes, there is a portion of excitement too- but it is a weird mix of emotion, much like it was when he embarked on this adventure.
My husband had to remind me that it is all just change.
I don't deal well with change.
But, I didn't want things to change two years ago either.
I am so glad it did.
So here's to change. And strong mamas.
And boys who become men.

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